Loneliness Is Born Of Relational Trauma

"To be lonely is to feel unwanted and unloved, and therefore unloveable. Loneliness is a taste of death. No wonder some people who are desperately lonely lose themselves in mental illness or violence to forget the inner pain," said Jean Vanier, in 'Becoming Human'.

Loneliness is part of "relational trauma", a human condition., according to Judith Herman, 1992. They may be effected by "childhood abuse, domestic violence, entrapment, rape, infidelity, bullying, rejection, psychological/emotional abuse and complex grief rooted in unresolved loss of important human connections," according to psychcentral.

Such traumas may be the foundation of generational patterns inherited by children. Psychodynamic theorist Gerald Adler said that it may be due to "early failure in nurturing to the experience of annihilation".

The main reason for loneliness could be "negative persecutory introjects", including abusive parents, which may even enhance the "threat of annihilation".

Moreover, the bond developed between a baby and the main caretaker influences the "structure and function of the developing infant's brain."

Any abuse in the relationship is absorbed as "cellular memory" leading to "neural dysregulation" as well as some fingerprint of the trauma that may continue through life.

However, if there is safety and "mirroring" in the first bonding, the "neurological integration" can happen normally.

A "relationally traumatized individual vacillates between pseudo-autonomy and needy desperation," continuously looking for escapism and opposing "real intimacy".

"Unable to empathize with others, vocalize intrinsic needs/desires and fearful of hurt and rejection, yet hungry for attachment (s)he repetitiously recreates the destructive cycle of maltreatment and disorganized ambivalent attachment."

Moreover, there are problems in managing emotions and lead to "aggressive posturing, behavioral problems and addictive disorders". Complete despair, self-hatred and hopelessness lead to a cynical perspective, firm that life has no meaning.

How can relational trauma be repaired? Psychologist Carl Rogers is firm about "unconditional positive regard, genuineness and empathy" which are important for a "successful client-therapist relationship".

Rogers wrote: "When a person realizes he has been deeply heard, his eyes moisten. I think in some real sense, he is weeping for joy. It is as though he was saying, 'Thank God, somebody heard me. Someone knows what it's like to be me.'"

The curative process is simple, then. Giving and taking love is what will lead to surviving from relational trauma.